Worst movie remakes

Last weekend, the remake of The Women opened to respectable business despite being savaged by critics. But word-of-mouth has been as withering as the most acid-tongued reviewer.

The film is a remake of the frequently hilarious 1939 movie, which in turn was based on Clare Booth Luce’s 1936 Broadway smash. Murphy Brown auteur Diane English had been trying to get the new movie made for 15 years and, in the name of good intentions and political correctness, she de-clawed the original’s wit.

She wanted to emphasize female bonding rather than female rivalry and, in the process, she sacrificed feline wit. Catty men and catty women still exist in the 21st century, but with its all-female cast, The Women emphasized catty women.

The director/screenwriter found herself in a no-win situation. That’s the fate of most remakes. But let’s pause to give thanks for two that never happened.

After Chinatown, rumors percolated that Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway would reteam in a re-do of Hitchcock’s Notorious. Didn’t happen. And at the height of Kevin Costner’s post-Dances With Wolves ego-tripping, Hollywood trade papers hinted that he had tentative plans to remake Casablanca. The plans remained tentative.

And now onto remakes that should never have happened:

The Heartbreak Kid (2007). The Farrelly Brothers (There’s Something About Mary) turned Elaine May’s sly, wry comedy into a typical Farrelly Brothers movie. Which means there was no room for slyness or wryness in the midst of so much comic chaos and overstatement. Not even the gimmick casting of Jerry and Ben Stiller as father and son could salvage this comic train wreck.

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