No one saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop coming. At least no one saw it coming to the tune of $64.8 million in ticket sales for its first two weekends of release.

That puts former King of Queens star Kevin James in the select company of TV denizens who have hit the big-screen motherlode with a surprise, career-turning hit. But where does James rank on the all-time list? Let’s count ‘em down.

10. Steve Carell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) — His first star vehicle, after supporting roles in the likes of Bruce Almighty and Anchorman, took Carell into the realm of bankable comedy stars. The Office still churns his butter, but he now can pick and choose among big-ticket projects. Domestic box office: $109.4 million

9. Seth Rogen in Knocked Up (2007) — He co-starred in NBC’s critically acclaimed but little-seen Freaks and Geeks before also languishing in Fox’s likewise under-appreciated Undeclared. Both were creations of Judd Apatow, whose career soared along with Rogen’s when he made him the unlikely leading man of a comedy-romance co-starring Katherine Heigl of ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy. Coming next year for Rogen: the starring role of Britt Reid in a new big-budget version of The Green Hornet. Domestic box office: $148.8 million

8. Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore (1996) — The former Saturday Night Live star slowly gained traction in movies such as Mixed Nuts and Billy Madison. Then Happy Gilmore took him into the stratosphere as a goofball golfer with a hockey player’s swing and mentality. Putting himself on the receiving end of a Bob Barker punch-out also proved to be comedy gold. Not a huge moneymaker, but a certified semi-cult classic that put Sandler on track to The Wedding Singer, The Waterboy and Big Daddy in the next three years. Domestic box office: $38.6 million

7. Mike Myers in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) — Likewise an SNL alum, Myers created a multi-million dollar franchise character for himself in this surprise spy spoof hit. Catchphrases abounded, too, including “Oh behave” and “Yeah, baby.” There have been two sequels to date, with Myers also cashing in as the voice of Shrek. Domestic box office: $53 million

6. Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct (1992) — Stone had barely scratched the surface after compiling a long list of TV credits ranging from Magnum, P.I. to Bay City Blues to the miniseries War and Remembrance. But this single role as a diabolical sexpot — including a fleeting but memorable glimpse of her lower regions — propelled Stone to international stardom. Not that she’s done much of late. Domestic box office: $117.7 million.

After a long strike-imposed layoff, Fox’s action-oriented Jack Bauer returned to the playing field in a two-hour 24 movie that sets the stage for January’s rock-around-the-clock return.

Meanwhile on FX, rogue cop Vic Mackey pounds his beat for the last time Tuesday (Nov. 25) on the series finale of The Shield.

Both justice-seekers — although you might want to argue with their methods — make our Top 10 list of TV’s all-time, old-school alpha males. But where do they fit in among their peers? Let’s get to it.

10. BEN CARTWRIGHT (Bonanza) — The Old West’s ultimate single dad had a far tougher assignment than Rifleman Lucas McCain with his pesky kid, Mark. Big Ben presided over the sprawling Ponderosa while also reining in three unruly grown sons — Adam, Hoss and Little Joe. Pa Cartwright occasionally bent but never broke. In the end it was his way or the highway, which in those days were dirt roads.

9. DEAN MARTIN (The Dean Martin Show) — Always in a tux and seldom without a cigarette or drink in hand, “Dino” never met a woman he couldn’t leer at. And his playful longrunning variety hour always had an ample supply of amply endowed handmaidens, with a bevy of Golddigger dancers eventually morphing into four Ding-a-Ling Sisters. Politically incorrect? Luckily for him, the term hadn’t been coined yet.

8. VIC MACKEY (The Shield) — FX’s bald-headed raging bull broke new ground and many a skull as head of the LAPD’s rattiest Strike Team. Vic more or less plays on the right side of the law, but no TV cop has ever gotten away with his kind of murder. Cross him and you’ll be crossed off, whether you’re drug-dealing scum or just happen to be wearing a badge.

7. ANDY SIPOWICZ (NYPD Blue) — He set the mold before Vic Mackey broke it. Sipowicz wasn’t a sipper. Battling alcoholism, a trigger-temper and numerous personal travails, he doggedly pursued New York’s vermin with both a passion for justice and a penchant for bending the law. Superior officers mostly just got in his way. And he never tired of telling ‘em that.

John McCain lately knows something about being upstaged.

The Republican presidential nominee’s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate has seen to that. Jokes about the “Palin/McCain” ticket are plentiful as she packs ‘em in at her campaign events, barely survives those nefarious “mainstream media” interviews and basks in the afterglow of Tina Fey’s dead-on impressions. Is “Sarah Barracuda” the biggest political celebrity in the land right now? You betcha.

Meanwhile, McCain has company in this select grouping of Top 10 show-stealers from the TV series where they made their names.

10. EDDIE HASKELL (Leave It to Beaver, 1957-’63) — “That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing, Mrs. Cleaver.” Prime-time’s first punk kid, played by Ken Osmond, didn’t mean a word of it, of course. But big brother Wally’s sandbagging best friend made phony flattery his calling card while otherwise spiking “The Beav” as an irksome “Squirt” and worse. As in, “Wally, if your dumb brother tags along, I’m gonna– ‘Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I was just telling Wallace how pleasant it would be for Theodore to accompany us to the movies.’ ” You had to love him.

9. LATKA GRAVAS (Taxi, 1978-’83) — The acclaimed ABC comedy also had strong contenders in Christopher Lloyd’s crazed “Reverend” Jim Ignatowski and Danny De Vito’s sourball Louie De Palma. But I’ll take controversy-steeped Andy Kaufman’s recurring acid-trippy turns as “foreign man” Latka Gravas. Not that he stayed in character. Latka’s multiple personality disorder gave Kaufman free reign to morph into anything his mind could imagine, including super-sexist Vic Ferrari. His death just a year after Taxi’s cancelation was widely thought to be just another trick from his gag bag. Amazingly talented and tragically flawed, he burned bridges to the end.

Here comes Saturday Night Live on Sept. 13th with the first show of its 34th season.

The host is Olympic swimming god Michael Phelps, with musical guest Lil Wayne. As always, though, it’ll be SNL’s latest regular cast members trying to make Phelps look good while also vying to become big or bigger stars themselves.

So who are the show’s all-time stalwarts? This is a very tough list to winnow down. And it has nothing to do with how successful you’ve been on the big-screen. Otherwise Robert Downey Jr. would make this cut, even though few remember his lone 1985-’86 season with SNL.

It just goes to show that you can have a great college career without necessarily excelling beyond that. These are the Top 10 indispensable SNL stars who kept putting the show on the map.

10. Tina Fey (1997-2006) — An ace writer as well as SNL’s best-ever Weekend Update anchor, she sold herself as a plain Jane but looked smashing doing so. Totally unaffected when it came to letting her hair down to sell a joke. And no two SNL women have paired up better over the years than Fey and Amy Poehler.

9. Chevy Chase (1975-76) — No one in the cast seemed to like him very much, and his ego demanded that he leave after just one season to hit the big-screen running. But the first Update anchor also was SNL’s inaugural leading man, whether reading fake news or pratfalling as Jerry Ford. “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.” He fully believed this, and took it to the bank.

8. Dan Aykroyd (1975-79) — Chase’s early departure left him as the glue, not only as a Blues Brother but behind the scenes and in a wide variety of sketches in which he regularly played smarmy salesmen. Not everyone could get away with caricaturing Richard Nixon with a mustache. But Aykroyd did it, and also pulled off a sillified Jimmy Carter. Add a “wild and crazy” Festrunk brother, in partnership with Steve Martin, and you’ve got a body of work that’s never quit.

7. Eddie Murphy (1981-84) — Garrett Morris was SNL’s charter minority cast member, but Murphy became the first person of color to steal the show and make it his own during the otherwise mostly dismal early 1980s. All seven of the original “Not Ready For Prime Time Players” were gone by then, and SNL might not have gone on at all without Murphy and some decent wingman work by Joe Piscopo. Murphy’s Gumby, Mr. Robinson and Buh’wheat characters became his signatures. Otherwise what else was there? In those years, not very much.

6. Bill Murray (1977-80) — Brought in to fill the void left by Chase, he quickly made most fans wonder why he hadn’t been there in the first place. His lounge singer routines were crackups then and now. And he was a perfect, doofus partner for Gilda Radner in their recurring portrayals of Lisa Loopner and “noogy”-dispensing Todd diLamuca. Murray also teamed effectively with Jane Curtin as part of Update’s first co-ed anchor team.

Hope springs eternal each fall. At least in TV land it does.

We’re nearing that time again, with every last new series deemed a must-see mega-hit until Nielsen Media Research’s grim reaper ratings say otherwise.

Shows with big names attached take the hardest falls. So let’s revisit 10 monumental flops whose big buildups and budgets went for naught.

10. South of Sunset (1993) — One and done. CBS thought it could turn Glen Frey of The Eagles into a wisecracking, up-against-it Los Angeles private eye named Cody McMahon. But the opening night ratings were subterranean, prompting the network to let the sun set on Frey’s acting ambitions after just a single episode.

9. Bette (2000) — “The Divine Miss M” starred as a thinly disguised caricature of herself in a lame-o sitcom in which her 12-year-old daughter Rose was played in the first episode only by Lindsay Lohan. Cripes, even then she apparently was difficult. CBS called off all Bettes five months later after audience levels drooped despite big-name guest appearances by the likes of Oprah Winfrey, Tony Danza, Dolly Parton and Danny DeVito.

8. The Michael Richards Show (2000) — First to launch a post-Seinfeld series, Richards bombed as hapless L.A. detective Vic Nardozza in a comedy series that was worked and reworked to no avail before NBC somehow saw fit to air it. Also going down with the ship were co-stars William Devane and Tim Meadows in his first post-Saturday Night Live effort to branch out.

Representatives of the donkey and elephant parties will be stampeding into Denver and St. Paul during the next two weeks to hold their quadrennial national conventions.

The Democrats go first, staring April 25th, with the Republicans right on their heels (Sept. 1-4). Here’s a top 10 countdown of televised moments to remember from previous conventions. Some are odd, others eventful. All made their marks.

10. Matthews vs. Miller — Two blowhards had a head-on collision after former Democratic senator Zell Miller of Georgia ripped into his old party as the keynote speaker at the 2004 Republican convention. MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews then questioned Miller’s insinuation that Democratic nominee John Kerry intended to defend the nation with “spitballs” after voting against various defense systems. During a live exchange, an increasingly angry Miller finally told his antagonist, “I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel.” Matthews milked their confrontation for weeks and of course Saturday Night Live parodied it.

9. Read their lips — Three seconds seemed like an eternity when nominee Al Gore and wife Tipper locked themselves in an amorous embrace on the final night of the 2000 Democratic convention. “The Kiss” was twitted, dissected and viewed by many as a calculated effort to soften Big Al’s robotic, wooden image.

8. And furthermore . . . — Bill Clinton had his national coming out party on opening night of the 1988 Democratic convention. Instead he threw a slumber party with a widely ridiculed and interminable 32-minute speech in which he put Michael Dukakis’ name in nomination. Clinton proved resilient, though, turning his disaster into a triumphant appearance on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show, where he played “Summertime” on his saxophone after the host first made fun of him.

7. Mondale’s Waterloo — The Democrats’ 1984 nominee, Walter Mondale, already was seen as a decided underdog to incumbent Ronald Reagan. He then dug his own grave at the 1984 convention with a memorably inept acceptance speech. The former vice president chopped himself off at the knees by telling America, “Mr. Reagan will raise taxes, and so will I. He won’t tell you. I just did.” Mondale later lost in a landslide.

6. The big brush-off — Sen. Ted Kennedy feverishly contested President Carter for the Democratic Party’s 1980 nomination, but came up shorter than Hillary Clinton’s bid to outlast Barack Obama. At the 1980 convention, though, Kennedy remained combative to the end. As Carter and running mate Mondale raised their hands in victory to the tune of “Happy Days Are Here Again,” Teddy turned his back on the incumbent president and refused to join him in any visible way. The lack of a conciliatory photo spoke volumes, with Carter eventually denied a second term by Reagan.

All hail the Games of the XXIX Olympiad, or simply the Summer Olympics if you prefer. They’ll be a dominant force on NBC from Aug. 8-24th.

All of this athletic pomp and pageantry prompts a list of the 10 most influential and capable network sportscasters of all time. We’re excluding regional hits, so sorry about that, Harry Carey, Ernie Harwell, Jack Brickhouse and Jack Buck among others. Let’s play ball.

10. Keith Jackson — Whoa Nelly, he keeps retiring and unretiring. But ABC’s original Monday Night Football play-by-play guy still has a big strapping buck of a voice that raises pulses during major college football matchups. He also worked a good number of Olympics telecasts back when ABC owned the broadcast rights.

9. Pat Summerall — The best ex-jock ever to hit a broadcast booth excelled as a kicker for the New York Giants before famously teaming with Tom Brookshier and later John Madden as the resident A-list pro football announcer for both CBS and Fox. His minimalist approach meshed well with gabbier sidekicks. And he also covered the premier golf and tennis tournaments carried on CBS.

8. Brent Musberger — The former minor league umpire first came to prominence as CBS’ NFL Today studio show host alongside Irv Cross, Phyllis George and Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder. But he soon began going to the games themselves, flexing a “You are looking live . . . ” tagline at a wide variety of major events. Bounced by CBS in 1990, he rebounded to ABC/ESPN, where he’s still calling major college games as part of a Saturday night prime-time package. Some can’t stand him, but he’s stood the test of time.

7. Jim McKay — The late great ABC broadcaster first branded himself as host of the network’s innovative Wide World of Sports series, where “the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat” became his lasting catchphrase. He also was a key player in coverage of 12 Olympics, most notably the tragic 1972 games in Munich, where 11 Israeli athletes were murdered by terrorists. “They’re all gone,” a drained McKay said somberly after 14 consecutive hours on the air. He capped his career as a “special correspondent” for NBC during that network’s coverage of the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.

6. Curt Gowdy — People forget how big he was, serving as NBC’s go-to guy for virtually every major sports event from the mid-1960s to the late 1970s after announcing the first five seasons of the American Football League on ABC. Gowdy covered World Series, Super Bowls, Rose Bowls, the Olympics, NCAA Final Four basketball tournaments, you name it. He also was at the mike when Hank Aaron hit his historic 715th home run on April 8, 1974. Gowdy’s American Sportsman series for ABC was another long-distance runner. And he hosted PBS’ well-regarded The Way It Was sports anthology series, which reunited famous athletes involved in classic sports matchups.

TV networks, particularly the Big Four broadcasters, typically don’t put too much stock in the summer. Instead they fill the hot-weather months with throwaways and in later years, scads of brainless reality competitions.

Still, some of prime-time’s biggest enduring hits got their starts while many potential viewers were vacationing or enjoying the elongated daylight hours by getting outdoors instead of vegging on the couch. All of these heavy-hitters were launched in June, July or August, which technically leaves out CBS’ Survivor and its May 31, 2000 premiere. Sorry about that. (Start dates are in parentheses.)

10. Northern Exposure (July 12, 1990, CBS) — This critically acclaimed fish-out-water dramedy made fictional Cicely, Alaska a quirky playground for townies and incoming Dr. Joel Fleischmann (Rob Morrow). Its five-season run included four nominations as best drama series. Executive producer David Chase went on to do a little thing called The Sopranos.

9. Fear Factor (June 11, 2001, NBC) — It uniformly repulsed TV critics but found an almost fanatic audience among younger, presumably less-discriminating viewers who enjoyed the sights and sounds of contestants gagging and eating pig rectums. Guffawing host Joe Rogan was a perfect fit for a series that NBC plugged in with Deal Or No Deal zeal for five stomach-turning seasons.

8. The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour (Aug. 1, 1971, CBS) — She vamped, he camped and audiences flocked to their day-glo variety series for six on-off-on again years. The duo’s divorce prompted each to do their own unsuccessful shows before they reunited as ex-husband and wife for two more seasons of somewhat forced hilarity.

By ED BARK

The 60th annual prime-time Emmy Award nominations are coming on July 17th. Many performers have a statue that’s on their mantle, in their closet, been handed down to survivors or sold on ebay. Still, some of the biggest and most influential stars in TV history are still without recognition from the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. And for four on this list, it’s already too late.

10. David Janssen — Unjustly convicted of murdering his wife, Janssen as Dr. Richard Kimble spent four seasons in pursuit of the “One-Armed Man” while in turn being tailed by the relentless Lt. Philip Gerard. The Fugitive’s finale, on August 29, 1967, became the most-watched series episode in TV history until the “Who Shot J.R.?” episode of Dallas outdrew it in 1980. The late Janssen received three Emmy nominations as Kimble, but no trophies. He later excelled as private eye Harry Orwell in the short-lived and under-appreciated Harry O series.

9. Courteney Cox — Never received an Emmy nomination as Monica Geller Bing on Friends. That had to hurt, because all five of her castmates did, even though only Lisa Kudrow and Jennifer Aniston eventually took home statutes. Cox currently is playing an unscrupulous tabloid editor in FX’s Dirt.

8. Jason Alexander — He richly deserved an Emmy as terminally angst-ridden George Costanza on Seinfeld. Instead he garnered seven nominations for the character, plus another for a guest shot on HBO’s Dream On. Alexander’s pain is more palpable than Cox’s, largely because Seinfeld’s other three principals — Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards — all have one or more Emmys in hand.

7. Buddy Ebsen — He lived to be 95, which wasn’t long enough to see even a single Emmy nomination, let alone a win. Ebsen’s signature role as Jed Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies is bookended by stints as Davy Crockett’s sidekick, Georgie Russel, on the old Disney series and as spry Barnaby Jones in the same-named detective drama.

6. Mark Harmon — One of prime-time’s most enduring, bankable leading men capably played flawed doctors on both St. Elsewhere and Chicago Hope before landing his ongoing starring role as snippy Leroy Jethro Gibbs on NCIS. Oddly enough, his first of just two Emmy nominations came for a brief role as an injured soldier in 1977’s Eleanor and Franklin: The White House Years. He copped the other one 25 years later for a guest shot on The West Wing.

What are the worst of the worst?

Here’s a Bottom 10 courtesy of Unclebarky.com.

10. The Benefactor (ABC, 2004) — Sorry, Mark Cuban, but your $1 million giveaway (of ABC’s money) pretty much played like a nickel-and-dime amateur hour. Gotta do more than play Jenga and cackle maniacally to keep viewers from switching to reruns of Benson. Still, ABC liked some of what they saw in the Dallas Mavericks owner. The network brought him back for its fifth edition of Dancing with the Stars.

9. Joe Millionaire 2 (Fox, 2003) — Fox struck it rich in the ratings with the first Joe Millionaire, in which a bevy of golddiggers got deceived into thinking that well-chiseled construction worker Evan Marriott was loaded. But the second version, set in Italy and starring Texas rodeo cowpoke David Smith, quickly turned into high-priced bull manure. European women supposedly unaware of the show’s sucker play watched Smith ride toward their villa on an even handsomer stallion. Mama mia, that’s a spicy hick with a lotta dough. But Smith’s portrayal of an oil tycoon played flatter than Lubbock. And his conniving suitors proved to be too vacuous even for American audiences.

8. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (Fox, 2004) — Imagine a fake groom who’s coarser than John Belushi’s “Bluto” Blutarsky in Animal House. Inflict him upon a mother and father of the bride who think their daughter is actually going to marry this lout. Then throw a bunch of money at everybody in the end after the fake groom reveals it was all a ruse that even the would-be bride didn’t entirely understand. NBC tried much the same gambit with The Real Wedding Crashers, which was a colossal flop. Big Fat fared better in the ratings, prompting Fox to try an ill-fated sequel called My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss. Boil the titles down to Noxious and at least you have truth in advertising.

7.I Want to Be a Hilton (NBC, 2005) — But why? Pre-dating Paris Hilton’s more serious problems, this self-indulgent piffle starred matriarch Kathy Hilton as a dreamweaver intent on turning crude commoners into upper crust snobs. Fourteen way-too-awed supplicants were divided into Park and Madison teams before Kathy and her hoity toity minions instructed them in the fine arts of eating, dressing and behaving as though your excrement didn’t stink. Rejects were dismissed with a wave of Kathy’s hand and the tagline, “You’re not on the list.”

6. I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here! (ABC, 2003) — The word “celebrity” has seldom been used more loosely than in this jungle-set hoot starring the likes of “Downtown” Julie Brown, Alana Stewart, “Stuttering” John Melendez, Nikki Schieler-Ziering, Robin Leach (who battled leaches along with the others), Bruce Jenner and eventual champ Cris Judd. The whole lot of ‘em roughed it an Australian rain forest while competing for extra food and other creature comforts in the weekly “Bush Tucker Trial.” Viewers decided whom to eliminate, with Leach the first to be sent packing. Before this career low point, he famously softened viewers with “champagne wishes and caviar dreams” on Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous

5. The Littlest Groom (Fox, 2004) — Sub-diminutive Glen Foster starred in this exploitive and demeaning search for true love amid a field of leggy beauties and women his own size. It mercifully lasted just two episodes, but the embarrassment stuck around a lot longer.

4. Chains of Love (UPN, 2001) — NBC originally bought this knuckle-dragger but later punted it to a receptive UPN. Adapted from a Dutch dating show, Chains locked four women to a lord-and-master man, who eliminated them one by one, day by day. The series lasted just a month, and the “winner” received a measly 10,000 bucks. Maybe she used the money as a down payment on a brain transplant.

3. The Swan (Fox, 2004) — “Winner” Rachel Love Fraser submitted to nipping, tucking, sucking and a “life coach” to be transformed from an alleged dumpy plain Jane to a stunning beauty. Each episode put two women through extreme makeovers before judges deemed one of them pretty enough to be a finalist in the show’s climactic, sub-sickening beauty pageant. Two editions aired before Fox finally backed off. Fraser, the first Miss Swan, won $50 grand, a new car and a modeling contract. Few shows have had bigger ick factors.
 
2. Are You Hot? The Search for America’s Sexiest People (ABC, 2003) — Lorenzo Lamas, Rachel Hunter and a dude named Randolph Duke were judges in this full-blown affront to human dignity. Howard Stern felt robbed, though, suing ABC and the producers for allegedly stealing one of his radio show’s recurring features. The suit was dismissed, as was the show after a two-month run. Lamas went on to make classic movies such as 18 Fingers of Death! and Succubus: Hell Bent. CBS also allowed him to play a recurring character for two years on The Bold and the Beautiful.

1. Fear Factor (NBC, 2001-06) — OK, maybe this seems a bit harsh, given the long-running popularity of the Peacock’s skin-crawling gross-fest. But I’ll rest my case on the show where contestants had to eat pig rectums to advance toward the show’s weekly $50,000 grand prize. Further evidence is provided by Kelly Preston, John Travolta’s wife, who participated in one of Fear Factor’s celebrity editions amid worms and a big scorpion or something perched on her forehead. Now maybe if that were Lorenzo Lamas . . .

Creepy host Joe Rogan enjoyed all of this way too much. So did ample portions of America, frankly. Fear Factor lowered the reality TV bar as no show has before or since. For that it gets the top spot. Take a deep bow and have a handful of chocolate-covered land slugs while doing so. Consider it just desserts.

Source: Unclebarky.com